Underground Song Critic review: For Julie's eyes only

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The Underground Song Critic’s review of: For Julie's Eyes Only

Ok, I admit im not gonna review Incontinent Student Bodies. As much as I want to rip it a new one, I can’t find it anywhere, NOR DO I WANT TO. But don’t worry, I found one worse, FAR worse, in my opinion, the worst thing ill ever review. Brace yourself for the most sick, perverted, sadistic, immoral, BIGGEST WASTE OF DOCUMENT SPACE I HAVE EVER SEEN; the Neutral Milk Hotel fanfic: For Your Aeroplane Only by Shirohane! This is by far THE worst thing I ever reviewed or ever WILL review! It’s MUCH MORE worse than Sonichu 10! With that in mind, let’s… swallow our drink and dig in…

Our story begins with Iruka Sensei walking home from a bad day at work. Suddenly, we hear a voice calling out to him. One cheap transition and title later, we meet Naruto… IN NAME ONLY! I say this because this isn’t the same Naruto we know and somewhat tolerate. No, this is Iruka’s pet cat-human, a kind of pet that’s all the rage in this crazy alternate world if im reading this right. But surely, cat Naruto can’t be as bad as normal American dub Naruto, Right?

["Iryuka, what's mating? Is it fun? Is it yummy?" Naruto asked Iruka, curling his tail expectantly.]

Heh, oh god, ok, that was funny, come on Shiro, where’s the real performance?

["Eh, really? Yay! Naryuho will be good and play well with friend," Naruto promised, his blue eyes filling with excitement.]

… … … … … nooo… … …

["Naryuho wants Iryuka back. What if Iryuka never comes back like Naryuho's mommy and daddy?"]

Nooo…. … let me guess, THIS is how he’s gonna act in this garbage? OH NO!! This is the kind of Naruto people speak of in fairytales, THE KIND THEY SAY WOULD NEVER EXIST! Ok, if you thought Naruto constantly saying “believe it” was annoying? well, welcome to the world of terrible fan fiction. Here, people become so out of character that they turn from awesome, to mind numbingly annoying! The worst part is its all downhill from here, believe it… sorry…

Ok, back to this waste of data. One day N.I.N.O., (Naruto In Name Only), gets sick, and Iruka drives him to a vet… well, he WOULD have done that, if he wasn’t an idiot like everyone else in this fanfic. No, instead, he takes Naruto to a breeding agency, run by Kakashi Sensei. Yes, Kakashi Hatake is a freaking BREEDER! This fanfic hurts me with each new paragraph. Anyway, Kakashi tells Iruka that Naruto is in heat… wow, never thought id type those words together in a sentence… Kakashi and Iruka begin trying to find a mate for Naruto. Oh, by the way, YES! Every kid ninja in the show is displayed here as a demi-human just like N.I.N.O. Sakura, Neji, Hinata, Gaara, Rock Lee, and YES, even Sasuke. Ugh, this just became more painful I bet. Ok, first, they pair Naruto up with Sakura, who’s now a rabbit-human who never gets any dialogue in this nightmare. Either Sakura is not really important in this fanfic or, just as I feared, the writer is one of THOSE fan girls, be very afraid. Anyway, it doesn’t work out, and Iruka and Kakashi proceed to see if the male animals want to mate with Naruto. Yes; ONE GIRL ANIMAL DOSENT WANT NARUTO, SO THERE GONNA SEE IF ALL THEIR GAY MALES WANT HIM. This IS one of those stories. Also, the reason there pairing Naruto up with males now is that it doesn’t matter, all the demi-humans are all hermaphrodites. What a disturbing cop out. Anyway, first they pair Naruto with Neji, whos now a cat-human, then Gaara, a raccoon-human… ok, this is getting too disturbing, so im just gonna skip ahead to the real faggotry. Enter Sasuke. Yes, I know this is a ship fic between Naruto and Sasuke, 'DON’T REMIND ME!!! 'Chapter two is where the REAL nightmare begins. As this is where Sasuke rapes Naruto without remorse or mercy. Did I mention I made this review on a school computer? Why is this fic available on a  SCHOOL COMPUTOR !?? Oh, also, while that’s happening, Kakashi makes it no secret that he’s gay for Iruka… … UGH, anyway, skipping the details of that horrible chapter, we get this disturbing little number from the writer:

[The uncut chapter can be found at my website. Since many of you asked me for a picture of SasuNaru kitties, I've posted up a link of how they're supposed to look like. You can find link to both at my profile. VvvVV

And I just need to say one thing: Sasuke! Sasuke Sasuke Sasuke Sasuke Sasuke Sasuke SASUKEEEEE! TAT Aaaaah, life is good again ;A; (Well, I'm a type of guy who won't even watch nor read NARUTO just because Sasuke didn't come out, so... (laughs) )]

… WOW… … you can just tell this guy isn’t right in the—wait, THIS WRITERS A GUY??? Aw, crap… now I see why this fanfic is so screwed up, the writers gay, AND NUTS, what a shock! Part three is no less disturbing than parts one or two. At least in the whole “Sasuke humping Naruto” thing. Meanwhile Kurenai Sensei, who ALSO works at the stupid facility, says that Rock Lee, whos a frog, got into the dominants’ pen and got raped by Gaara, AGH! HOW LONG IS THIS CRAP!?!?!?!?!? Anyway, four weeks later, back in the room where the worst thing to happen to the fandom just happened, Iruka comes to pick up Naruto, who describes how his play date went;

["Iryuka, Iryuka, do you know what Shashuke did? Shashuke, you know, he put his wee-wee where Naryuho does his poopie, and then it went kyuu kyuu, and then lots of milk came out going all dorodoro, and then Naryuho went ouchie! Fuwaaaaan—"]

AAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!?!?!?!?!?!!!!!!?!?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

HOW LONG IS THIS!? 18?? WERE ONLY THREE CHAPTERS IN?? ugh, this fanfic is gonna be the end of me…

Geez, already three chapters in, and I already want to pull the plug on this review! But I have no choice, its either this, or chibiusa’s seventh birthday party! And NO ONE wants to read THAT! Consider yourselves lucky, but still weep for the human sanity, WEEP! Chapter four at least spares us the animal/human/shonen heroes sex, but can still be summed up in one sentence; Naruto in a dress. …that is all… chapter five starts with Sasuke, who just escaped the breeding grounds JUST TO STALK NARUTO. Heres the first dialogue he says here;

["Come here, baby," Sasuke cooed. "Come out and play with Sasuke."]

…wow, Sasuke is so derailed right now it isn’t funny. SASUKE WOULD NEVER SAY THIS! The Sasuke I know dosnt give a crap about ANYONE! He’s so fixated on his, “big brother must die” goal to do so! In fact, why does the fandom like Sasuke so much?? Huh?!? Naruto is THE FOURTH HOKAGE’S SON, DEFEATED PEIN, AND SAVED THE HIDDEN LEAF VILLAGE LORD KNOWS HOW MANY TIMES! What did Sasuke do? Sure he killed Orochimaru, but now he’s a cold blooded monster! He almost killed Sakura (though judging the fandom, that wouldn’t be a huge loss) and burned a village to the ground! Even everyone he knows believes that he committed serious atrocities and therefore, must die! Sure Naruto didn’t like this news, BUT IT DOSNT CHANGE FACTS! There’s only so much evil a popular character can do before he’s deemed irredeemable. Also, Sasuke never defeated Itachi; he just sort of died mid battle. I know why they do like him:

1)     he’s emo

2)     he has Sharingan

3)     he’s an Uchiha, and all Uchihas in the show are spotlight stealers

4)     His fan base is just a bunch of prepubesant fangirls. And they think he’s “HAWT”

That’s ALL! The fandom is like the Jonas brothers’: only those not in control of their hormones find them hot, others find them gay and/or retarded and/or DIABEETUS. But I seriously digress, the sooner I get this done the better, back to the review.

Ok, after getting beaned with a slipper (for great justice!) by Iruka, Naruto comes out to comfort him and- GOD, PLEASE DON’T GO THERE!!! Oh, wait. Never mind, it’s not there… yet… oh wait disregard that; when Iruka leaves GUESS WHAT HAPPENS! S.I.N.O proceeds to sexually assault Naruto! WHY THE HECK AM I REVIEWING THIS AGAIN??

[REMINDER NOTE: IF YOU DON’T, YOULL HAVE TO REVIEW THE AVATAR: THE LAST AIRBENDER FANCOMIC; HOW I BECAME YOURS BY JAKIE DIAZ]

DO NOT WANT!!! Ok! Ill try to finish the review, Just… never bring that up ever again! SERIOUSLY

[REMINDER NOTE: SORRY]

Any way, Sasuke reasons with dumbshi- I mean Naruto. that the reason he rapes him is because he loves him…

UUUUGGGHHHHHH!!! The next morning, Iruka calls Kakashi to come pick up the not Sasuke. Iruka leaves the gay kittens to their, ahem, HORRIBLE ATROSITY! But not before asking Sasuke this;

[Iruka grimaced.

"Do you need condoms?"

"No." Sasuke helpfully started to add, "Naruto likes it when my milk fills his.."]

AAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHDJWHBFKHWBVFCHKPWEBPIUWBHDPIWJHCBFWIFGQIDFPHBNWPIWEUBCDDPWIUFCBHWIPUADXNWP((DXUIWMDOPUBFHOIWDBQUSDGHBVWHFGVSJHWCFQXDYRQWFCXYGOUISBNQWDINIPUQDHOIUWHOMGWTFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!!!!!???????!!!!!???!?!????!?!?!!!!!!??!??!??????!!!!!!!!! - - -

… ugh, who wrote this garbage!?

[REMINDER NOTE: SHIROHANE]

DID I TELL YOU TO REMIND ME!?? Ugh, during… you know… Naruto is shocked that his paws came off and were replaced by human hands and feet- ZOMG EVOLUTION!

DUN, DUN, DUN, DUN, DUN, DUN, DUN, DAAA, DUN, DUN, DUN, DUN, DUN, DUN, DUN, DAAA, DUN, DUN, DUN, DUN, DUN, DUN, DUN, DAAA, DUN, DUN, DUN, DUN, DUN, DUN, DUN, DAAA, DUN, DUN, DUN, DUN, DUN, DUN, DUN… ''DA DA DAAA, DADADADADA DAAAAA!!! ''

CONGRADULATIONS! Iruka, your gay, sixteen year old, feline abomination evolved into a gay, sixteen year old, feline abomination WITH WORKING THUMBS! Sasuke explains to Naruto that when their species loses its virginity, their paws… wait, do you even give a crap?!? After more faggotry, Naruto escapes Sasuke’s rape, but Sasuke barters with Naruto with the promise of milk…

["You'll see. Try sucking it and if you do a good job, you'll get your milk."]

… … …OK, MOVING ON… chapter six starts with another cat challenging boy-hungry-obsessive-stalker-rapist Sasuke for Naruto. It turns out the challenger was a cat-human named Sai… I don’t know who Sai is, moving on. Sasuke beats this guy, whoever he was before Shirohane screwed him with the demi-human stick. Oh, and Kakashi hits on Iruka some more… Skipping ahead to chapter seven, Kakashi is doing gay breeder things until Might Gai Sensei pops in out of nowhere. OH THANK GOD! DO IT GAI! DYNAMIC ENTRY THE LIVING CRAP OUT OF THIS STORY SO WE CAN ALL GO… never mind, he learns his frog was raped and they need to operate on lee to get the babies out, and just like in the show, it’s a 50/50 chance of survival… darn… also, Sasuke kills Sakura because she was trying to turn him straight… yup… I KNEW this was written to slam on Sakura, I just KNEW IT. Chapter eight says that… HOLY CRAP! Naruto beat up Sasuke!? Oh god, that’s awesome! FINALLY this story is looking up, no more gay sex, and no more sasunaru bullcrap! Sasuke winds up sick, and only Naruto with the power of love can- you know what?... screw it, lets just read what the idiot making this said:

[Er... With this chapter I managed to completely change the mood of this fic! ('Д)/ I promise the next chapter will be a lot more fluffy and happy and, er, stuff. I had to get this out of the way, so it couldn't be helped. XD;;]

…uuugghhhhh, if more chapters of this ever come out, you will NOT expect me to review them, this is a NIGHTMARE! A BLOODY FREAKING NIGHTMARE! This isn’t fluff! This is a form of torture! “For your eyes only”?? IT HURTS YOUR EYES TO READ THIS! The title pretty much says this monster of a fanfic was intended for your eyes! You hate your eyes?? YOU READ THIS CRAP! Well, ten more chapters to go, ten more before I completely go insane! I never reviewed something so terrible in my life! My immortal would be a beautiful poem compared to this! I’d have to be a madman to prolong this dreck any further! … With that being said, I hate myself right now, so let’s continue…

Time for chapter nine, oh god… this is the one where… screw spoilers, NEJI RAPES HINATA! Ugh (picks up a phone) hello? Incontinent student bodies? Im sorry, I want you back… I mean my god! This comic just reached a new low. I mean it’s hinted it might be a dream… wait, it barely says that! Hinata got RAPED! BY HER COUSIN! WTF!????? Shino, what kind of reality do you live in that would welcome this disturbing turn of events!? Is the writer even mentally sound?? Oh wait… this is a sasunaru catboy yaoi fic… Well, Kakashi and Iruka are officially another gay couple at this point, so I don’t care where this bull goes, I just want it to end!

Chapter 12… more rape, no surprise there… now with 58% more angst… next… chapter 13 starts with Naruto giving Iruka a dead… frog… wait… isn’t Lee a frog in this crap?? ok, it isn’t Lee, I don’t really care. If it was Rock Lee, I wouldn’t be surprised; if you were the rape b**** of a person that tried to kill you in the chunin exams, that would prove how much you fail at life. I wouldn’t blame Lee if he killed himself in this fanfic. Or if ANYONE killed themselves in this fic. THAT WOULD BE WELCOMED! Because then, I could leave this horrible nightmare! speaking of which, Lee and Gaara had babies together… … … ok, where to start on how messed up this- FROGS AND RACOONS HAVING BABIES TOGETHER!???????? HELLO?!?? EARTH TO CRAZY WRITER? ISNT THIS MODERN JAPAN YOUR TYPING ABOUT? AS IN, A NORMAL UNIVERSE???? How can a raccoon impregnate a frog and get TWINS!???? DOES NOT COMPUTE!!!!!!!!!!! DOES NOT COMPUTE!!!!!!!!!!! (its kinda messed up I haven’t cursed through this whole review, something tells me that’s gonna change later on…) Back to the review…Ok, lets see… wait, now it says that Naruto is- NOO! It cant be!!? GOD D*** IT, NARUTO’S Pregnant now!!! I really wished this wouldn’t happen in this! NEXT! PLEASE!!!

[OMG Sasuke's soooo cute I'm going to die. (hyperventilates) Auauau Sasuke why must you be so adorable? He even got himself an adorable shark(?) as a pet! Now hurry and go back to your wife and all shall be--]

SHUT UP, YOU!!!! Chapter 13 (UNLUCKY NUMBER = its only getting worse from here)Naruto and Sasuke try to find something to eat (and judging how this fanfics going, use as rape lubricant, did I mention I found this on a SCHOOL COMPUTOR!?) oh, look, and and they have kids, GOD MAKE THIS END ALREADY I CANT TAKE IT ANY LONGER!!! ANTILIFE JUSTIFIES MY HATE!!! ANTILIFE JUSTIFIES MY HATE!!! ANTILIFE JUSTIFIES MY HATE!!! ANTILIFE JUSTIFIES MY HATE!!! ANTILIFE JUSTIFIES MY HATE!!!!!@!@##!!!!!! ANTILIFE JUSTIFIES MY HATE!!!!!@!@##!!!!!! FUCK IT! Im rushing through this waste! Lets end this! Also, KAKASHI IS GAY FOR IRUKA, NO SURPRISE THERE!! NEXT!!!

Chapter 14 is something regarding Kakashi being gay for Iruka and… wait, NARUTO AND SASUKE ARE GONE!?? HALLELLUJAH!!! HALLELLUJAH!!! HALLELLU—no, NOOO!!! DON’T TRANSITION TO THEM WHILE IRUKA AND KAKASHI HAVE SEX!!! The Kakashi/Iruka subplot is the only thing that ISNT SASUNARU RELATED!!! Screw it, LETS SKIP TO CHAPTER 15! 3 more, 3 more… 3 MORE!... he, he, hehahahah ahahaha HAAAAhahhaaaa… gotta keep it together, don’t want a repeat of last week… we got more gay sasunaru in this one, also, Mpreg… NEXT!!!

[Sorry for such a long wait... Ahaha, sorry will not cut it, but I hope you enjoyed this chapter nevertheless. The uncesored version is up at my site as usual. (smiles)]

Shutupshutupshutupshutup SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!!! Chapter 17 we got more gay bonding and unneeded character development. I don’t care about the characters, I JUST WANT THIS TO END!!! Also, Sai makes a reappearance… next…

[Uuuum, yeah, I was going to put some KakaIru or NejiHina in here, but the plot development (gasp! Plot!) For Sasunaru became way longer than I thought it would be]

Did I TELL YOU TO QUOTE!!? SHUT UP SHIROHANE!!! NO ONE LIKES YOU!!! YOU ARE A HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE PERSON!!! Last chapter, I don’t care if the fic is in development hell, I just WANT! IT! TO! END!!! Chapter 18 starts where we learn that GASP! Sasuke has a brother! … No shit… Itachi, I HOPE!, is the best character in this fic, because he never appears, THANK GOD! It –

["I thought you said you were going to bring your brother back with you," a golden cat meowed as a much larger black cat entered the cave. The tom looked at the queen with brooding ruby-colored eyes, and then he turned and started to wash himself. "What, he was still too weak or something?"

"He's useless," Itachi said. He looked bored as the other cat sauntered up to him. "Not only was he still a weakling... He has a pregnant mate."

"Oooooh," Deidara squealed. "Why didn't you kill the female and bring your brother back with you?"

"My brother is not strong enough to handle his mate's death. Most likely, he would just kill himself if that happens. Don't worry," Itachi said, turning to leave the cave. A huge shark humanoid emerged from the dark and trotted after him as Itachi added before he left, "I'll bring him when he's ready."

When they have been walking for a while, the shark suddenly said, "Deidara does not mean any harm. If only he knew about your-"

"I have no idea what you're talking about," Itachi cut him off, turning to look at Kisame. The coldness in his eyes made even his partner flinch.

"...of course. I'm sorry."

The two continued to walk in silence.]

… … … … …nooo… nooo…. Noooo… NOOOO… NOOOO… NOOOO!!!!! SHIROHANE, YOU ASSHOLE!!! YOU HAD TO INCLUDE HIM IN THIS FUCKING WHORE CUNT BITCH SLUT BULLSHIT, DID YOU!!!???? Oh, AND YOU MAKE HIM SECRETLY GAY FOR HIS BROTHER???? I HATE THIS FIC! I HATE THIS FIC! I HATE THIS FIC! I HATE THIS FIC!!! ' I! HATE! THIS! FIC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! '

In the words of a famous internet reviewer, member of channel awesome, and fellow deviantart member; THIS FANFIC SUCKS! The premise is screwed, the characters are all gay and/or out of character, it hurts reading this thing, the writer’s batshit insane, and the worst part is that it all is presented as FLUFFY CUTENESS!!! I never want to read this abomination EVER AGAIN! It’s a MOCKERY to the Naruto fan base! A real fan would NEVER,  NEVER  think writing this would be a good idea! You hear that, Shirohane? YOUR NOT A REAL FAN!!! I wish I never read this! I would rather- (Blackheartzero suddenly finds himself in a dark room. Only him and his computer are left in the dark void of a room)

BHZ: - wait, who turned off the lights??

(no response)

BHZ: hmmmm… great, the fanfic killed me, I KNEW THIS WOULD HAPPEN! (hears a noise) WHOS THERE!?

???: sorry, I didn’t mean to disturb you…

(“???” slowly walks towards BHZ. The light of the computer illuminates the mysterious figure)

BHZ: wait… you’re… Sasuke Uchiha from Naruto? Holy crap! uh, it was no trouble at all, im a huge fan! Hey, how’s Orochimaru like in real li- (as Sasuke walks closer, the room becomes brighter until its revealed Sasuke and BHZ are in a animal pen.) Wait… where are we?? (notices something weird about Sasuke) Huh? Hold the phone...?

With the room now lit up, its revealed that “Sasuke” is really the cat- human Sasuke from the fanfic)

BHZ: (surprised and scared out of his mind) wait! Oh no, no, no, no! (BHZ gets out of the chair and backs away slowly) BACK OFF! YOUR NOT SASUKE! You’re… something that’s… not really Sasuke! (backed into a corner) I SAID BACK OFF!!!

“Sasuke”: oh, come on, don’t you recognize me, Naruto?

BHZ: Naruto?? What are you- (Sasuke directs BHZ’s attention to a huge mirror, where its revealed that BHZ has become the cat Naruto from the fic) NO… (backs away faster from Sasuke until hes pressed up against the mirror by Sasuke) GET THE FUCK AWAY! IM WARNING YOU!!!

“Sasuke”: don’t worry, this wont hurt a bit!

BHZ: nooo… NOOO!!!!! (before Sasuke could have his way, in a flash, BHZ is back in familiar surroundings. It was all just a bad nightmare) AGH! whoa… uh, sorry folks, I guess I blacked out back there… you know… come to think of it… this fic is the greatest thing I ever read in my life. Th-this thing is a masterpiece! Sure, its got some sick imagery, but other than that, it’s the best love story I ever read! … Ah who am I kidding?? This fic is fucking HORRIBLE!!!